Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
