I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
