"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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