Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
