I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
