The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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