this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
