i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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