why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
