Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize