Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
