Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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