Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
