you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
