I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
