If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
