Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize