I'm jealous of your bromance
You smell like a Billy Joel song
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
