Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
