I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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