i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
BRING THE BAGELS
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
