The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
