Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
