I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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