You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
