I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
