I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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