you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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