operation harelip BJ is a go
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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