Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
tell your sister to shave her snatch
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
