after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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