The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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