i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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