I think I died a long time ago.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
