this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
