I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
