Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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