are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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