Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
