I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
