It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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