please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
It's never too late to be topless.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
