Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
