he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
