My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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