How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
