woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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