God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
