shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
