I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
