wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
