one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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