that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
