Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
