i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
