Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
